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May 27, 2017: The day I was supposed to marry you

Today, 05/27/2017, is the day that I was supposed to marry my best friend. He was supposed to be cancer free right now and we were supposed to say our vows and live happily ever after. Instead, 3 months after he proposed we were told by Josh's oncologist that we needed to move our wedding date up because the cancer had spread and he didn't have much time left. Those words wrecked me to my core. Josh sat there in the room and consoled me as I lost it in front of him for the first time since his diagnosis and he reassured me that everything was going to be ok. The worst part was, I knew from that point on it was never going to be ok. All hope was stolen from me that day. But in true Josh fashion, he found a way to make me feel like it was going to be ok. That day we decided to move our wedding date up to November just in case and agreed to continue to fight with everything we had. Josh was never going to give up and neither was I. Today, 5 months after Josh was taken from me, things are hard. The numbness is starting to fade and the reality of my new normal is very real and painful. Right now all I can think about is how I should be dancing on the dance floor with my new husband without a care in the world. Instead, I sit here on my new couch in my new apartment missing the fire out of him and everything we shared together. I would give anything to have him back. When you wait your entire life for that one person who makes you complete and that person is ripped out from under you, there are no words that will ever make that ok. Although I feel blessed to have had the time I had with Josh, I will always feel robbed of the future we should've had together. My wish for everyone today is that you love a little bit harder than you did the day before and that you never take your people for granted. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. Happy should've been Wedding Day babe. I love you more than anything in this world. Always have, and always will 💛

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